noahbody123's Blog

Ahhhh.... just one of those mornings. Tears and fears....

No real reason for the tears, as usual. They just come on their own along with a great ache and a void inside me. Probably depression coming back which is always such a joy.

The fears... today will be the very first time since I started this job that I will have to sit in the inquisitor's chair up front at the 7:30 meeting, face all the big shot assholes (you know... the ones who leap with both legs into the pants simultaneously instead of one leg at a time like the rest of us) and have to update them all on the state of the union as regards the crude still and the alky unit. Then there will be the cross examination. I'll be hamstrung by my poor hearing in the range of human voices combined with their damnable tendency to talk barely above a whisper and mumble all the times. At times I will watch their lips flapping and not be able to hear a single solitary sound emerging. Then there's the issue of their names and political positions. I'll recognize their faces and know the names but the two just won't fit together and as for what minor or major god they aspire to be.... I'll have no clue. Consequently the ever present knots in my stomach are winding up tight enough to double me over. Dreadlords.... that's what they are. Shit... I shouldn't let it get to me. The worst they can do to me is deny me a raise when that time comes.

Well it'll be a tough day but I'll get through it. I always do.

Be good, stay strong, always keep smiling and never walk away from a hug.

I soared high for a couple of days and it was heavenly. Something to live for. A sign that all is not always dead and black and full of despair. Even if it was only 2 days it was miraculous and life reaffirming. I need to hold on to the idea that times like that really are possible. That they really do happen. For when I'm buried deep in the pit, so deep that there's not a single ray of light and the despair becomes all and hope dies out completely it's those memories that can sustain me.

It is a gray, damp, rainy, chilly day that mirrors what's inside me today. I am not drowning in the blackness of death, agonized by unbearable pain, filled with tears and self hatred but.... there is a growing emptiness, a void that slowly consumes all light and life and joy and love. It's slowly eating away all feelings. I am growing numb, slowly dying again. Sinking back into loneliness and separation. Losing connections again. Regretting coming back to even this partially hidden life on this site. Doubting the choice that caused me to abandon my plans for internet suicide. Pissed off at the Thoughts staff for not removing my accounts. They never frigging do.

I long to vanish from this world. Become a hermit, maybe find some remote part of the world where humans rarely trespass and live out my days there. I am not entirely. Humanity has much of the divine at it's core. Me... I have a black, hateful demon at my core who will never be satisfied until I'm twisting and screaming in agony before being granted the release of death. He hates me to a degree that cannot be put into words. Yet he is so intertwined throughout me that he is capable of perverting my very nature to bring me pain. He knows my innermost secret thoughts and feelings and beliefs and is fully capable of using them as weapons against me. Indeed, it gives him great pleasure to use those parts of me I love and consider to be good and am most proud of as demented instruments of pain and agony. He twists everything, every last emotion, thought, belief, hope, dream. Under his mastery they all become ugly, horribly misshapen things, harbingers of despair.

More bad dreams last night. Multiple ones. An unheard of event. I almost never dream unless it's a nightmare but even when it is it is never more than one a night. Last night.... the nightmare refused to end even after I had clawed my way to wakefulness and finally settled down enough to return to sleep. Always the same basic theme presented in different manners... something evil stalks me and I either cannot escape it as it draws ever nearer or, even worse, I am frozen and unable to even draw breath as it's hated, fetid odor envelopes me. I think the approaching evil is the hell years returning and subconsciously I acknowledge and greatly fear that there is no escape, no turning them aside. They come... like the tide they cannot be stopped. There is little in this world that I truly fear. Certainly not physical pain or my own death. The death of my loved ones, particularly my wife, certainly that's a fear. But little else.

But the beast, and the hell years he brings, are not entirely of this world. They originate in a dark, dank, desolate world of pain and death. They extend that world into my very soul, my heart and mind. Nothing lives there except pain, despair, hopelessness and loneliness. It is there that the beast seeks to trap me forever. And yet.... I continue to maintain at least a toe hold in this world where sunlight and love exist. So far that has been enough.

Be good world. Stay strong and always face the world with a smile regardless of how difficult it is to keep pasted in place. And.... never, ever refuse a hug. They are a connection to life, love, light and warmth.

I am SOARING! Just serenaded wifey... and no plants wilted, the dog and cat did not run and hide and no windows shattered! Bowed and asked her for this dance and we swirled and whirled across the living room to the music in our heads... until I noticed her wincing in pain. Foolish of me to forget but I was overwhelmed with joi de vie and love and ecstasy and just... every thing good and positive. It's so rare and has been so long.... I could sausa across the floor. Maybe even a bump and grind strip tease.... Or maybe the marenga (sp?). You know... from Dirty Dancing? Whirl and spin and twirl and dip.... shit dude... I can't dance a step. I don't have two left feet... I have one and no right foot at all. And my crooning... well it would drive Lazarus back to the grave.

But not a one of them put a damper on me. I'm flying high... way above the stratosphere! I'm on my way to Alpha Centauri!

And even better... totally freaking awesome. You may or may not have heard of the Earth's Children series by Jean M. Auel. You've probably heard of Clan of the Cave Bear, first book in the series. Incredibly well researched, totally beyond description. A tale of the transition between Cro-Magnon and Homo Sapien at a time when both existed upon the land. Detailed descriptions of the discovery of healing herbs, new weapons for hunting like the atloatl. Things that enabled mankind to survive and prosper... and ultimately led to us, here and now today. Incredible tale.

Well she left off after 5 volumes, promising the 6th and final volume would come... some day. That was, oh.... I dunno, maybe 20 years ago.

Well I was in the pharmacy waiting for wifey's scripts to be filled and decided to browse the books and magazines. And THERE IT WAS! The 6th and final volume, apparently published in 2011. I made damn sure when I got home to purchase and download it to my Nook. In fact... I repurchased the entire series so I can read it all again right from the start. It is such an awesome tale of the beginnings of humanity and so very thoroughly researched that you can actually locate, prepare and use the herbs described in the books exactly as detailed. An awesome write that I had totally given up on ever seeing it in print. I am uber excited. I'm in the middle of the second volume of a scifi/fantasy adventure series right now so I cannot dig right in... but dude am I ever tempted to just stop where I am and start with the new books. Except that would mean I'd have to restart this series right from the start so I am just gonna muscle it out and finish this one first. Anyway... it's always wonderful to have a true masterpiece on deck waiting to be read. I also downloaded Jonathan Livingston Seagull and Animal Farm so I have quite a queue waiting for me.

Well people... it's so freaking rare that I can say this and not only believe it but actually feel it... be good, stay strong, always, always face the world with a smile and never, ever walk away from a hug. The entire world can turn on it.

Wifey's doing much better. She looks and sounds better and she's no longer in constant pain. She still has significant pain when she moves and if the doctor presses on it she damn near jumps through the roof but all in all it seems to be getting better. The doctor is discounting surgery being necessary although he still doesn't rule it out. It's looking like she may be home Friday.

I rarely sleep well but it's especially bad in a big, empty king sized bed without her warm, sexy butt to snuggle up against.

More good news, awesome news. Today was a really good day. For the most part the beasty was quiescent and my mood was about mid spectrum. I was almost completely stable. For the first time in a very long while things, if not good, were definitely not bad. Neutral.... that's the word. There was minimal need for the mask. With how bad things have been lately today was totally wondrous. A real reprieve.

Now let's talk about Domani. He saw the shrink/therapist yesterday. There is one option left for him for school. A multi-grade place for the incorrigible. It's a grade school and high school combined. They keep the equivalent of bouncers in the classrooms and have padded rooms to lock up trouble makers. They also have "time out" rooms and any and every student is encouraged to get up and go to one to be alone and try to get control at any time at all that he/she feels it slipping away. They're free to get up and go there at any time, no questions asked. They also have a real Wawa store where the best behaved students get to work if they wish. They don't get paid but they do get training in how to hold down a job. I get the impression that this it... the dead end, the end of the road. The only thing I can see following this place if it turns out to be unable to control him is incarceration. He had his mother so bad a few days ago... so very, very bad. I thought she'd have to go to the crisis center. Instead my other daughter took him home with her. That lasted 2 days. She called me a bit ago... in abject tears... she can't handle him, she can't take it, can I please take him. So he will soon be here with me. Tomorrow he'll have to spend the day in the hospital with me. He won't like that but all other options have been exhausted. They say he's ADHD. I say that's over diagnosed. I think his home life and the neighborhood he's growing up in are destroying him. And it did not help that his father has apparently abused him since he was little (this has only recently come to light... it's why his father is not allowed around either of them by court order)

Well now you see how it is... some's good, some's bad and some's middle of the road. Kind of typical for life I think.

Be good, stay strong, always keep a smile plastered on your face and never, ever refuse a hug.

I do well all day while I'm at the hospital. I have to maintain a positive mask for her. Usually she sees right through it but I think the drugs have her a bit addled, thank God. Either that or I'm getting really, really proficient with my masks. God only knows I've had enough practice lately.

She's still in terrible pain but has refused the morphine. She says it gives her headaches and makes her throw up. She throws up anyway so that's just an excuse. She hasn't been allowed anything to eat or drink in the last 24 hours and they don't have her on an IV. I worry about dehydration. And when she doesn't eat her blood sugar goes low, her blood pressure drops and she passes out. I mean i really drops, to like 60 over 40. I warned the nurse but I'm not even sure she paid attention. I missed the doctor this morning and I really have some questions for him. She said he wasn't there for 5 minutes and really said nothing. And of course she asked no questions which really pisses me off. She never hesitates to question or argue with anyone, anytime, anywhere yet she lets him escape without answering any questions? Rumor, through the nurse, has it that they're still not sure it's her colon. They've done no tests but plan on a colonoscopy if and when the infection subsides. Also some speculation that it may be from perforations of tears in the colon and if it doesn't respond to antibiotics surgery might be called for. I'd like to know exactly what that means. If surgery is necessary will she have to wear a bag for the rest of her life? I went through that with her mother and it was horrible to the max. I expect she'll be there 2 more days at a minimum. I took off from work for this whole week so I can be with her.

It's not until I leave that I feel it. I leave half of me behind in that hospital room. The better half. I know she'll be all right. I know she'll be home eventually. But the emptiness that is always there is magnified enormously while she's gone. And of course those hated tears, sure signs of my weakness. Proof that I am not a man.

I've been so screwed up lately. Periods of rapid cycling, depression that seems bottomless, even periods of psychosis. Even the panic attacks are back. It grows steadily worse. It frightens me because I really cannot trust my own brain or the thoughts it generates. I see little evidence of the beast yet the thoughts and emotions and moods and suicidal ideations are all exactly what he usually foists on me. I worry that he's now buried so deep inside me that I can no longer sense him and consequently he has free reign with my control centers.

SO.... empty. And so alone. Dead already and yet my body doesn't realize it. And so damn tired of this shit. Years of it is enough, too much already. There really is only one way to put an end to it. My noose is still out there... Someday... and that's almost a promise. It would actually BE a promise but I never break my promises and that one scares me.

Domani went to see another therapist/shrink today. I haven't heard what the outcome is. He's been through 4 schools in 3 months. They keep throwing him out. This last one was just that... the last one. It's where all the incorrigibles, the criminals and mentally disordered go. When they threw him out too there was like no place left for him. He's only just turned 9 and his life is ruined forever. We are so worried for him. This appointment with the therapist/shrink was hopefully gonna provide some sort of plan and some kind of alternative. That little boy has the biggest heart, so full of love. He's always good when he's with me. Always willing to help and to share any and everything with anyone. Yet he has his own beast, probably inherited from me which damn near kills me to think, and he's far too young to be able to deal with it. I admit I'm at a loss. So is everyone else.

If I fail to manage to gain some control my deterioration then shit's gonna get real bad. The hell years will come back. I am deathly afraid that if they do they will cost me not only all my deeply loved friends online but worse still... my family and worst of all my wife. We're talking humans here and all humans have a point beyond which they simply cannot take anymore. That's how I lost all my real world friends and why my relationships with my parents and siblings will be forever strained. I think they're all afraid of me. That hurts a helluva lot.

Tonight's gonna be really bad one. I plan to drink myself into a stupor. That should at least incapacitate me. When I finally pass out there will be no more nightmares. I will not wake up constantly, covered in sweat with my heart racing and panting like I had just run the 100 yard dash. It should bring on total blackout which is what I need.

I'm so lost today. Deeply, profoundly lost. I don't know what I'm doing or thinking. Freaking tears just won't leave me be. Hurting inside and I don't know why. Filled with that hated self pity. What have I to feel self pity for? I have a good life. There's so many who are so much worse off. Take A.... He's a teenager who was molested and abused by his father. Then 2 years ago he walked into his best friend's room to find him dead from suicide. Now, just 3 days ago, he lost another friend to suicide. It left him catatonic and hospitalized. We've been getting updates through his uncle on A's blog.

Then I.... brutalized and worse all her life by strangers and by those she loved. Losing her family, all alone in the darkness. Suicidal at times. Hurting so very badly.

Then there's assaultedgirl. Close to my age and, like me, a type II beeper. Like me she's had little success with meds, counseling, therapy, shrinks, psychologists. Having such a very hard time of it.

They need my support and understanding and yet I feel so inadequate to the task. How can I help them when I cannot even help myself? Their pain makes my nerves sing in synchronicity. They break my heart. Their pain is my pain. I feel every minute of it. They make my own problems pale in comparison. And yet my issues threaten to overwhelm me. How can I stand up to theirs? I must be strong for them and even so all the while all I want to do is crawl into my cave, pull the walls tight around me and shut out the world, the entire universe.

I cannot remove my accounts. The very suggestion that I was going to sent I into a tailspin. She says she needs me to show her that it can be done. How can I when I no longer believe I can do it myself? I wish I had never entered onto the internet. I wish I had never lived at all. Surely the world and everyone in it would be better off without me. I bring nothing to the table but woe is me and abject misery. I am worse then useless. I am very fond of telling others how their very uniqueness in all the universe throughout all of time gives them value beyond measure. And yet I have no value at all. I am a drain, a black hole in existence. You've heard of antimatter? When matter and antimatter collide they destroy each other. Well I am antilife. When I collide with life I destroy it. And yet I myself am not consumed. For some reason I continue to exist, to go on destroying lives.

So many, many good people suffer and die everyday. Why am I condemned to go on?

I am trapped. She needs me there for her. The very suggestion that I was going to disappear sent her into a tailspin. It may take days or even weeks for her to recover. And she had been making such amazing progress. And poor Arthur... second time he found one of his best friends dead from suicide. He's catatonic and hospitalized.

I was supposed to be there for both of them and I failed them. Again. Ignorant self centered bastard. I cannot vanish and leave them alone.

I need to vanish from the internet... but I cannot. Their need holds me here. And I am all right with that. They need me. I cannot abandon them. Then there's the new one.... the beeper. She's also deeply in need.

I promised to be there for them and I will. But I will keep my poison to myself. None of the others will know I am there. I may just block them. Maybe. Not sure yet. So hard to know what is the right thing to do. I want to hide in my cave and shut the universe out. I do not belong here. I am IN the universe but not OF it. I never will be.

I HAVE succeeded in hiding it from my wife. She has no clue how terribly bad it's been or how much worse it's getting. She need not know. I've already hurt her too much. Just as I have everyone else. Have to protect them all from me.

I wish I could die. No... I wish I had never existed. God make a mistake when he allowed me to be born. I was never supposed to be here.

Dropping like a stone into a bottomless pit today. God, I fucking hate life.

I'm starting to do better today. I've been slowly improving over the last couple of days. I'm still cycling but the sine wave's period has extended to hours and the amplitude has significantly lessened. There have been no psychotic episodes for almost 3 days now. Sanity has, for the most part, returned. The alien thoughts that filled my head for days are naught but faint whispers now.

 

I know full well I need to be back on my meds but I cannot do that and hold on to my job. Employment must come first. I just have to find some way to live with these episodes. Thankfully, and amazingly, I did still manage to function even during the worst of it. Doing so was by no means easy... but I did it. Keeping my mask in place was at times all but impossible forcing me to take steps to separate myself from others for periods of time until I could patch the mask back up and regain a semblance of control.

 

My 7 year old grandson has been thrown out of the last school that would accept him. We have no idea what to do now. He's still on meds and in therapy but he's completely out of control, at least in school. His mother has significant problesm with him too, as does my wife, but I never have the slightest problem with him. When I have him he is always well behaved, polite, loving and helpful. Yet no matter what we do or say or try his behavior in school is way beyond anything even approaching acceptable. I confess... I have no clue how to reach him or what the next step may be.

 

Got my daughter's piece of crap Explorer back together finally. It started right up but was a little rough until the computer learned the characteristics of the new manifold. No leaks. Everything looked good. Then we discovered it has one cylinder that's not firing. Possibly a bad coil pack. It would still have been drivable but the next thing it started to randomly stall and, most unnerving of all, it starts up all on it's own with no key and without hitting the remote start button. I know absolutely nothing about remote starts but I can only conclude that something is haywire with this one. I was forced to disconnect the battery to prevent it from starting up at will and so it's still sitting in front of my home and my daughter still has no vehicle to drive and cannot attend her classes. Damn Fords... I freaking detest them and absolutely hate working on them.

 

Well... here's hoping your day is beyond wonderful. Be good, stay strong, keep a smile plastered on your face and never refuse a hug.

A concise acknowledgement of the events leading up to our current gas prices. Leaves out a lot but still very well said.

http://info.drillinginfo.com/true-lies-the-real-life-story-of-the-evil-oil-price-fixing-conspiracy/#!prettyPhoto

Having a really difficult time keeping the mask up in work today. I keep feeling a nearly overwhelming urge to scream at the top of my lungs "Who gives a flying fuck? Why don't you all just get a life?"

 

My nerves have been winding ever tighter as the day progresses. Those hated damn tears keep filling my eyes. A few times they actually spilled down my cheeks but I managed to keep them hidden from view as I wiped them dry with my sleeve.

 

That evil black depression is growing and intensifying. Even pictures of Madalayna, the new granddaughter, don't help. They just make me feel worse because I know I'm not going to be here to see her grow up.

 

Alien thoughts have filled my head for days. They derive from the beast who's only goal is to make me writhe and howl in pain before he grants me the release of taking my own life.

 

I don't know that I can keep this up for much longer. The hell years are returning, little by little.

 

D was doing really well with therapy, the new med and the new school but Monday he lost it all again. Now he's been thrown out of this school too, the last one that would take him. We don't know what to do. He's only 7 and there's not one school left that will accept him. His mother and my wife and I have talked about it and none of us have any idea what to do next. The thing is... for me, at least, he's such a good kid with such a huge heart. He may give his nanny trouble occassionally and his mother trouble often but he never gives me any trouble at all. And yet... the reports of what he's like in school sound as if they're referring to a total stranger who's patently insane and totally out of control. I can't reconcile them with the always helpful, always pleasant and loving little boy I see when he's with me. I mean... he's not perfect when he's with me. Sometimes he refuses to share his things with the other grands but that's rare, more like when he's in a mood. And him and Matteo will sometimes get in fights but they're both stubborn and hard headed ande convinced they know everything until I correct them. But he never talks back to me, threatens me, tries to piss on me or throw things at me or breaks something deliberately. And I've never seen him actually threaten someone else with a real weapon like a knife. Yet all of these things have apparently occurred in school.

 

As I anticipated and, indeed, predicted little miss new mom is threatening to kick my son out again now that she has her baby home with her. Such an action would devastate me almost as much as it will him since I know it will mean that I'll never get to see or know Madalayna as she grows. It really should not bother me as much as it does because I honestly don't believe I'll be here for too many more years anyway. But it does... it bothers me a lot.

 

I just wish... oh well, what's the sense in wishing? As my dad always says... wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills first.

I dunno how much longer I can do this. I'm not even sure I want to. I see no point to it. It's hopeless. It never ends, it never stops.... it just goes on and on and on and on.

 

No psychotic episodes for a couple of days now and the cycling seems to be dying away. I'm settling into a deep depression, as ever. Depression should be my middle name.

 

Totally listless and without energy. Damn hated tears press monstrously on my eyes. If I could I would go hide i9n some dark, isolated corner and just sob. Just let it come and come until it wears itself out. It's hopeless, pointless. what's the use? The real mistake God made was allowing me to be conceived and then born alive. I was never meant to be in this world. This world that I can never be a part of.

 

Strong drive to isolate again. I may never go back to Thoughts or PoemHunter again. Letting it out on EP and DailyStrength seems to draw little or no attention. That should suffice. Just cannot take the spotlight that falls on me at Thoughts. I've made too much of an ass out of myself there in the past 5 years or so. I had, maybe have, some good friends there but what's the point? I have a hard time facing them through the mask when all I do is put up a false front while deep inside I'm dying. One should not lie to real friends. If I feel compelled to do so then what does that say for the relationship? It's a failing on my part, not their's. They've never ridiculed or made light of me or worst of all pitied me. But I just cannot face them. I think that I fear that if I do I will let it slip and they'll see... the hell years are coming back, slowly but inevitably, unstoppable as the tide.

 

Shit... why was I ever born? Why must I live? Why can't it all just end without harming anyone else?

Still not really doing well. Hardly sleeping. Pestered by bad dreams, almost nightmares all night. Still cycling so my mood, energy level and thoughts are still very unstable. Tired... so flipping tired of it all. Just want it to end no matter the cost. Can't do this anymore....

Highly unstable today. All over the chart. Wild bolts of fire short circuiting my synapses. Alien thoughts spinning out control through my head. Modd up and and up and down. Tears, elation, madness. Difficult to focus because the vectors keep changing. I hit the wall, almost into a full fledged panic attack then plunge into the fires of hell only to rebound to the stratosphere and rocket around the universe before almost crumbling before the madness singing through my brain. Evil darknes, bright shining light, sobs and insane laughter. The noose, the pills, the blade, the extension cord, the concrete abuttment. Insanity, madness, can't think, mind in thrall to some alien being... the beast is at the helm.

Alone.... so alone. No connections.... nothing is out there. I have a desperate need of a connection... and yet I shy away and long to run and hide. To pull the walls in around me and coccoon myself against the world.

Been up since 1:30. Another stinking nightmare. The evil darkness, full of hatred, is stalking me. Death approaches. Is it welcome? Do I embrace it with wide flung arms? Or do I flee? Perhaps cower in fear behind my crumbling walls? Surrender and let it take me? There would be peace at last... the beast would end. The madness would cease. The flames burning my mental synapses would be extinguished. But the cost... oh the cost is so very, very high.

My Cisco router went on the blink this morning. Keeps disconnecting. When I access it the connection comes back but mere minutes after logging out of it it disconnects again. Rebooting it has accomplished nothing. I deep redacted it and can find no flaws in it's setup and no sign of something failing. It's where my strongest firewall is as I've yet to reconfigure the cable modem. Zonealarm on the PC is fairly tight but the router was tighter then a bull's ass. I lossened it up some but that did not help. I've been forced to disconnect it. Perhaps some hardware failure is in the making. Have to up the priority of properly configuring the cable modem. Incapable of that today. The focus just isn't there. Need something mindless.... I'll mow the lawn, do some edging, maybe treat myself to a 12 pack while I do. Maybe a pint of Jack. The alcohol might prove beneficial, it could shut down my traitorous, out of control brain.... or it could act like a Saturn V booster and blast me out of the solar system. A risk I will take.... anything for a chance at oblivion. If I could only dare risk a joint. I have no doubt that would quench the fires that are burning up my synapses. Even a few of those valiums... but there are none left. Laughable... the entire idea. I eschew the crutch of the pschotropic meds only to grasp desperately at the crutch of the alcohol or pot or valium. How disgustingly weak willed. But I never claimed to be strong even as much as I've tried to be. And THAT'S a cheap ass copout. Poor frigging excuse for being weak. Yet still I'll grasp that crutch... and despise myself every moment for it.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. - Edgar Allan Poe

Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people. - Carl Jung

Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it. - Terry Pratchett

In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present. - Francis Bacon

 

The blacker then midnight darkness presses around me, enveloping me. It'sm origins are in my soul where the beast has his deepest and strongest roots planted.

Bad day today. I cried all the way into work, tears so thick and burning that I could barely see to drive. I know not the reason. There is no reason. Nothing logical, no excuse, no justification. Yet it poured down my cheeks and dampened my shirt. Such a weakling. A disgrace to the male gender.

When I got to the parking lot and shut off the car I took a few minutes to get my control back. It took longer than expected and an immense effort of will but I managed it. Plastered the mask back on, frozen on my face. Yet I knew my eyes and body language told the tale. When questioned about what was wrong I merely replied that I'd had a rough night. A partial truth is always better than an outright lie. It kept anyone from looking too close. That's key to the solution, the secret... keep them all away. Bare only the mask to them and don't let them look too closely, especially in the eyes. Being the windows to the soul anyone who gazed to closely to my eyes must surely be devoured by the dark.

It recurred to me today that I really don't want to die. I never did. Even when I tried to make it happen I did so because I was already dead and because it seemed to be the only way to make it stop. I want to be around to see my grands, ALL my grands, grow up. To be there for them, teach them to see and appreciate the beauty in the world and in humanity. I desperately want to see them grow up free of the hereditary curse that originates with me. Or actually even farther back than me but it comes to them through me. Or it might come to them. I would happily cutoff both arms and both legs if it would guarantee that they'd be spared the curse. I want to live long enough to see and know that it passed them by and they are free of it.

Alas - I've done too many stupid, foolish things to my body, abused it in too many ways - and still continue to do so in a couple of ways. I might make it to see T grow into a woman and maybe D into a young man but I'll never be here to see Madelayna reach womanhood. Probably not Ish, Teo, Bella or DJ either. Yet if it's in any way possible I will be by their side no matter what, spiritually if no other way. Hard to believe but I WILL miss this world even if you don't count my friends and family. Such beauty everywhere.

Enough. No more doom and gloom. I cannot banish it but I will cease and desist in the spreading of it. Be at peace everyone. Be good, stay strong, always face the world with a smile on your face and never refuse a hug.

Fucking beyond pitiful. All these fucking useless, degenerate, pitiful, asshole mother fuckers pushing electrons across wires to store facsimiles of words and feelings lost someplace inside this nebulous, imaginary thing called the internet. Not a one has any fucking real life. No one touching, no one caring, no one listening, no one hugging. Else why would these disgustingly pitiful sad sackspretend humans be pouring their shit out upon a nebulous entity hoping and praying total strangers will stroke their egos, pet their dicks (or cunts) and make them feel human? How fucking sickening, pitiful, disgusting and disgraceful. No fucking self worth, no friends, no life... so we all seek a pretend, a fake life inside the protons and neutrons and electrons and servers and whatever bullshit makes up the internet.

And I am no fucking better. Probably worse then most.

I remember the BBS days. Shit man... there were few people you connected with but those you did were frigging brothers for life.

Now there are masses who claim you connect with them... but is it really true? The connections rarely go beyond photons ejected from a monitor screen in front of you. Protons that were formed through electrons that traveled across the wire.

So easy to say you care. It makes it worthless. Calls it all into question. No one really cares. Log on, read a bit, leave a bullshit comment or two then go about your merry way, unscathed. And still we die.

Fuck.... that is our lot in life... suffer and fucking die. Why should it touch any of those perfect lives out there? Bleed asshole... bleed the fuck to death and forever spare us your presence.

We... the first class on the Titanic... we suffer no 3rd class steerage passengers.

But the ice berg is the great equalizer for we shall all die in the icy cold waters of hell together.

It's not been good at all. Yesterday was extremely bad. I was like some alien creature sunken down into a pit of despair and totally alone and unfit to be in the middle of these.... these humans who surrounded him. They lived, talked, laughed, ate, darnk, played.... they verily vibrated with life. And there in the middle of it all was I... a black hole sucking in all light and life and tearing it to shreds.

It was so unbelievable difficult to function. My home was filled with kids, grandkids, what passes for friends. They all rubbed me the wrong way and made my hair bristle. The way they lived, not just existed but actually lived. They communicated, shared stories, laughed. Life gushed out them in a sickenly endless stream. I was so irritable and high strung and so damn depressed. It was all I could do to refrain from a nuclear explosion and instead manage to mumble a word or two when I was addressed. I did everything in my power to avoid them all but always someone followed me, even into my bedroom which has no lock on the door. It was murderously hard to maintain a thin patina of humanity about me. I so desparately needed to escape and there was no place on the face of this planet where I could hide.

My wife, reading the signs, said she was staying over my daughter's last night but in the end she did not. Still she barely spoke a half dozen words to me all day and when she came to bed she brought along the Berlin wall to keep us separate.

I've barely slept for 2 nights in a row now. I think the psychosis is inching it's way back. If I pay heed to it I can hear the whispers behind my back, plotting, always plotting. No visible sign of the shadow people yet. They're doing exceedingly well hiding behind my back but there's so many of them they cannot completely mute the buzz saw whispers of the crowd. One of these day's the take me. I think I'm already one of them - nothing but a two dimensional shadow of the human being I once was.

So who gives a fuck anyway right? I could pass from this world and barely a soul would take notice that I'm gone. Indeed, it would likely be cause for celebration.

I am very.... dunno I guess... today.

Feeling so driven to run away and hide but I'm reluctant, even afraid to do so. I know this will eventually pass and I'll come crawling back.... again. I do not want to put everyone through that again. How many times can a person take it before they break? Besides... I do not want to act like a blithering idiot, an outright fool, again. I've made that a practice lately.

Still trying extremely hard to keep it behind the mask but I had an old and very, very special friend contact me recently. Someone whom I hurt a lot. She asked how I'm doing and I replied I am fine, I really did not want to shadow her with my darkness. She insisted she wanted to hear so I told her..., less then half of it. Even that was far too much

Part way through I felt guilty for burdening her. I apol0gized and promised no more. And so there will  be no more. It's way past time I did this myself.

It's growing so dark and lonely again. So painful. Tears have been threatening me almost constantly again. So tired. And yet there is no justification for it other then I am a weak, pitiful little creature. I despise myself for it. I need some dark and lonely corner to hide in and leave everything, everyone, behind, including myself. Especially myself.

If I had the balls I'd get on my bike (mountain bike not cycle) and head west, keep going until the front wheel hits the surf line of the Pacific Ocean. Leave everyone behind. MY wife, kids, grandkids, parents, siblings. Never go near another computer again, leaving everyone online behind too. Maybe find a cave or abandoned shack up in the Rockies somewhere and there serve out the remaining years of my life. It would be a hard life but a satisfying one. And there, being all alone, I'd be free to hate myself forever without impacting anyone.

Too many connections but the funny things is not one of them connect to the real me. They're all attached to my masks. I no longer know who or what the real me is or where he can be found. Perhaps deep inside all those masks there is nothing but a cold, black, evil void. Maybe I'm no longer there. Perhaps I've been devoured by the beast. Is that not ironic? He's wanted me dead for so long and I've fought so hard and somehow he snuck past me and killed me anyway. My body still lives but I am dead.

Well too much self pity here. I'm never comfortable feeling sorry for myself. It buys nothing but more tears and makes me feel like a piece of dog shit. So many, many people have it so very much worse... there's no room for my self pity and no justification for it. Better I should die for good then that.

Ron made a great post about the light in the darkness. I did not want to shadow it by saying that although the light may never go out it's sometimes impossible to see the light through the darkness. You know, or you hope and pray, that it's still out there somewhere because you so desperately need it. The pain of that need resonates throughout your entire being, your body, your mind, your heart and your soul. It cuts at you, drawing blood and pain, bringing unbearable agony, and making you question your sanity and doubt your ability to survive it. Yet, as was said in Jurassic Park, life always finds a way.

I am so tired of the dark. Not just eh dark... the electrified air at the top of the mountain of mania too. Years ago I fought it tooth and nail but it can never really be beaten. There is no victory possible. The best that can be managed is a tie, a standoff. Like the winds and the rain it slowly over time erodes even mountain ranges. It just keeps wearing you down a little at a time until there's nothing left. Sometimes, more often lately, it just seems so hopeless, so pointless. What's the sense? What good is the struggle if you can never win? What reason is there to go on fighting? So much easier to just down in your grave and let them toss the dirt on top. How peaceful that must be. Total bliss.

Sad today. Very sad. Overwhelmingly sad. As ever... for no apparent reason. Back in the black where I belong. Lonely and lost. Feeling a nearly irresistable urge to retreat again. To go hide out from the world. I keep finding little corners of the internet where I can hide from everyone. Where no one knows me and no one reads me. But always someone, even if it be a total stranger, finds me and tries to connect. I cannot allow connections. I poison them. I poison everything I touch. I must remain alone.

My mask has been firm and nearly impenetrable recently but today it's slipping a bit. So many masks....