noahbody123's Blog

Hi. Missed you all just droping in to say hi and let you know I've been thinkin of you. How is evryone?

Not firing evenly today so forgive me if this sounds disjointed.

Still on half doses on my meds. Plan to cut them to zero soon. Maybe next week. Lost my job 3 weeks ago. First 2 weeks were really tough. Lotsa depresion. Very foggy today. Can't think, barely functioning. Head's all fogged up. Went to get a showr. Couln't remeber how. Cant count.Can't even play solitare.

Well that's me. How are you?

Just dropping by to wish you all a Happy Easter! It's coming soon don't you know!

Things aren't going great with me but they could always be worse. All told I'm suviving which is about all of us can expect I guess! I'm holding my own, slipping sometimes, grabbing hold, climbing back up, only to slip again. It really hasn't been too bad.

I'm still on half dosages on my meds and I plan to cut them out all together after I lose my job on May 1st. That's another sore subject that I won't go into. Not enough space or time.

So how are all of you? You know I feel bad being out of touch so I thought I should give you my email address in case you want to say hi. I can be reached at Tony51203@cs.com any time you want to drop me a line. I really, really want to hear how you all are so please do!

I hope the world has been treating you with love, luck and roses. You all deserve it.

My best
Tony

I've been gone for a while. I've pretty much left here thoug I've left my account open so I could drop by and say hi to my friends.

Not much to be said. I've still been up, down and all around. Had some episodes of unreasoning rage. Some depression, some mania, things have been about usual for me. I've started to wean myself off my pills. It'll be 3 weeks tomorrow since I first cut my meds back to half doses. Tomorrow I will make another cut to quarter dosage and, God willing, in 2 or 3 weeks I'll stop them all together.

While I've still been cycling my cycles have been mild and are growing longer. I haven't really had much insanity. I figure it this way... I was cycling while on the pills and I was living with it. If it gets no worse without them then why am I taking them? I don't need them, I know that. I can survive without them.

I hope this finds all of you doing well. I hope you've had the most blessed and happy of days.

I will continue to drop in periodically just to say hi. I haven't forgotten a single one of you.

I'm starting to feel a whole lot of resentment towards this job. It intrudes upon my life. They're laying me off for f**k's sake! How dare they page me? THEY decided they don't need me yet still they feel the need to page me. Like ask me if I give a f**k?

I was so much at peace. I was feeling good for the first time in days. I had found the me at the center and I was at peace with that. No stress, minimal pain, almost no despair, no self despite. Then the frigging pager went off. Hey, I called off today. Leave me out of it will you? But no. They were tugging on the leash and I had to respond. Granite city wasn't collecting data. Turned out they had a problem with their OPC server and there was nothing I could do. But they needed me to login and prove it to them. Immediately UP goes the stress levels. The clock was ticking, it was a P1 ticket and I had 4 hours to fix it. Tick tock. Tick tock went the clock. I don't know why I give a f**k. What are they going to do to me if I don't get it fixed in the 4 hour time span? Lay me off? Too late, it's already happening. Refuse to give me a raise? Not getting one anyway, I'm laid off starting in May. Give me a bad review? HAH! I don't get one this year, I'm laid off starting in May.

So why do I care? Why does my heart race the minute the pager goes off? Why do I give a f**k? I don't. I don't care, I don't give a f**k! Then why do I hop to it when that frigging pager goes off? Who the hell knows. I sure don't. Maybe it's ingrained into me. Maybe it's training. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

They ruined my peace of mind. Brought me crashing back into life. Inserted themselves into my serenity. Yet more the fool me for allowing it.

I took Sadinne's advice today and went for a walk in the woods. At first my thoughts were overwhelming, they pressed on my mind like a ton of bricks. As I slowly made my way back the path to the cliff I found myself crying. I mean I was sobbing. My chest was wracked with sobs, tears ran down my cheeks and all I could think, all I could mutter was "No more. Please no more". As I got back to the cliff I sat myself down on a log, chest still heaving, tears still flowing, and I had myself a right good cry. I cried until my eyes burned. So much to cry over. So much sadness inside me. It all came pouring out with the tears, running down my face in rivulets. It was a catharsis. The tears washed away the pain. They wiped clean my soul.

Soon I found peace entering my heart. It seeped through my limbs. It washed over me and left me feeling calm and serene. The tears stopped and I found myself alone in the woods, sitting at the top of the cliff. The woods were quiet and peaceful and I let that peace wash over me. At one point I heard the honking of geese as they flew overhead, winging towars the lake below me. The quiet and stillness were a balm to my bruised heart, my battered soul. Soon signs of lif started to pop out around me. I saw a squirrel scampering among the trees, new buds on the trees, birds flitting among the branches. With these signs of life I felt life returning to my heart. I began to come back from the dead. Life was once again returning to me.

I sat there for God knows how long. I didn't even smoke because I was loathe to scare away the life that was showing around me. I sat quietly, letting the stillness caress my body. Letting it seep into my soul, my heart, my mind. I was breathing easily after the chest heaving sobs earlier. The sunlight filtering through the trees warmed my flesh even as the slight breeze lent me a chill. I lost myself in the peaceful serenity of the woods. I did not ever want to leave. I wanted that peace to last forever. I wanted to curl up in a ball and go to sleep. I wanted to make that place my home. I wanted to leave behind all the pain, all the worries and concerns, and just stay there forever. I would gladly have abdicated life to lose myself in those woods.

But slowly, imperceptible at first, little by little, the draw of life began to pull at me. I had to get back. I had to let the dog out. I had to get ready to go pick up my wife from work. I had to straighten up the apartment before I did. My cell phone rang, breaking th stillness, but I did not answer it. It turned out to be from one of my daughters. I still haven't called her back. I want no part of her current crisis. I want this peace to last forever.

So I've returned to the world of the living. My limbs are heavy with the peace that suffuses through me. My nerves are calm, the tears are a distant memory. I feel a deep rooted sense of peace. I am at one with myself, with the life beating in my chest. The pain is still there but I accept it, I can deal with it. I can handle it and continue to live. I am aliv and I'm ready to handle it all. I live.

Have a great day world. May peace reign supreme in your heart. Be good, stay strong and always remember to smile. The world lives... and so do you.

It was one of those mornings when I just couldn't get my azz in gear so I took the morning off. I went back to bed but my wife called and wanted me to go out to breakfast with her. Breakfast was all right, I'm so not a morning eater though. I had a couple of eggs over easy with home fries and breakfast sausage. I didn't finish it all. It was turning my stomach and making me gag. I just couldn't force it down. The cups of coffee did nothing to wake me up. I need a full pot each morning or I don't even move. Now that I'm home I'm having one of MY cups of coffee, one cup equals half a pot. I added a stoks caffeine shot to it so it should wake me up just fine.

I'm still very down this morning. Very, very down. I'm dragging azz and even loves from the kitty don't help me. Tears threaten me, despair levels have risen and self despite is on the rise. I've said it before, I'll say it again - I hate those f**king tears. They unman me. I figure real men don't cry and sometimes it seems like that's all I do.

F**k it. I'm gonna take the rest of the day off too and go back to bed. I can't function like this. I'm practically a basket case.

F**king schitte. I hate this schitte. I f**king hate it, hate it, hate it. I hate being so far down. I hate the tears, the despair. I hate myself for being such a wimp. I hate this world, this so called life, this existence. I hate it all, do you hear me? I hate it all.

Why? Why can't I just die and get it over with? No, I won't say that. I have too much to live for. Do I? Do I really? WHat have I to live for? My grandkids? Where does their need end and my life begin? Or my death? Who am I fooling... they're better off without me. They don't need this useless husk of a man as a role model. I would be doing the world a favor if I would just die now.

The dark surrounds me. I live my life, such as it is, in the blackness of midnight. In the pit. That's where I call home. The pit. Hell. Hades. Therein lies my home. That's where I dwell. The walls are glass smooth. Not a handlehold to behold. Nothing with which I might pull myself up. I have been swallowed by the dark. It has eaten my soul, devoured my heart, lunched on my brain. I can't function like this. No matter how much will power I exert I just can't function. I'm just not strong enough.

It's funny but while my list of women whom I admire seemed to be centered around their capacity for love my list of men whom I admire seems to be centered around their ability to provide for their loved ones. Almost like love doesn't count for a male. I think that's part of my problem. I feel love too deeply, like a woman. I think I lose my sense of maleness by loving others too deeply, too strongly.

Anyway my short list of men I admire:

My father - he has worked his entire life to provide for us. Now, even in his retirement, he never fails to give. I think that he is the exception to the rule I stated above. His love for my mother knows no bounds. It's apparent in everything he does. His life revolves around her and he makes no bones about it. Everything he does, every thought he has, every movement he makes, exudes love for my mother. He can and does do anything he put his mind too, from working on cars to doing brickwork to making furniture and cabinets. He is a shining example of what it means to be a man.

My son - while he hasn't yet found the love of his life he is trying. He has grown so much. He demonstrates his love for his mother and father almost daily. He is a man's man... he can do and has done anything he put his mind to. I think he gets that from my father. They say he gets it from me but I think not. This boy has potential, if only life would give him a break. I feel like I've loaded him wrong... I taught him that if someone picks on you and they're too big for you to beat then pick up a stick, a rock, or what have you and nail them with that. I think that's where he gets his anger issues from. Tony, I'm sorry for steering you wrong but sometimes you just have to walk away.

Dave Muracco - now here is a young man, barely 27 yrs old. who has it all together. He's married with one kid and a second on the way. He's struggling to make ends meet yet he's working his balls off to make a house that was barely liveable into a home for his family. He's a true role model for his generation.

That's my list of men whom I admire. Smaller then the list of women but still I find it interesting. I think I find the men I admire to be defined by what they can do. Unlike the women whom I found to be defined by their capacity for love. I find that interesting to say the least. Could be I'm defined by society. Anyway that's my list.

Women whom I admire. Females who've touched my life and changed it forever. Special women who shine out above all others. Who might they be?

Let's see... I've known quite a few women in my life. Many of them stand out but who is it that stands out head and shoulders above all others? Who do I consider to be shining examples of what it means to be not just human but woman?

Mrs Blood... a woman who has been widowed twice over. She has a bad ticker, is frail beyond belief and has been alone since her second husband died some 15 years ago. Yet she has an absolutely unshakable faith. She finds the positive inside everything. No matter how bad a person may be she finds God inside them. She finds room to love everyone no matter how bad they are. She sees each disaster not as a disaster but as a trial to be overcome. And overcome them she does. She is my role model. May God grant that someday I should have her faith.

My wife... Alice Linda Karas... now here is a woman who has been put through the trials of hell, repeatedly, and yet came out the other side full of love. I have put this woman through more hell then any of you can even imagine, even going so far as to emotionally cheat on her not once but twice yet she has found the love inside her to forgive me, to over look my wrongs, and to forgive me. This woman has a capacity for love like few others I've ever seen.

Heather... I won't embarrass her by saying her last name. But I will say she has a heart bigger then anyone I've ever met. She loves everyone, and everything. Her heart knows not the negative emotions like hatred or jealousy. She has a heart I only wish I could make my own. This woman's heart is so big, so huge, that it dwarfs us all. I've never known her to think badly of anyone. I know that if it were not for concern for myself we would still be friends and talking on a daily basis.

KateyB - yes UniversalSeductress or BeatheWithoutBreath, however you should know her. She is full of so much love, so much soul that it leaves me in awe. She has shown her capacity for love time and again on here and, I'm sure, in the real world. Her capacity for love leaves me in awe. If I could only love my fellow humans half as much I could consider myself a good person. Alas, I fail at that. She exudes love, writes about love, makes it her life. It ties to her soul which ties to her mind. She is, indeed, a role model for all of us.

Strange thing I note here... I seem to rate those women with great capacities for love above all others. Not sure if that's a statement on life in general or just a statement about myself. I can't say but it seems to me that in this world we'll called above all else to love one another. I think these women are prime examples of humans who have answered that call. Perhaps in the end this was really about being human and not just woman.

I continue to be very much down but it's nothing like depression. No tears, no crazy, dark and depressing thoughts, very little despair and self despite. Just really down with low energy and much sadness.

As I said this isn't depression, at least not as I've come to know it. Perhaps this is what normal people call the blues. I wouldn't know since I've rarely if ever experienced anything quite like it. It's almost like I'm adrift without a rudder. Like I'm floating through life rather then living it. There's a sense of peace to it instead of the nerve jangling intensity of the depression. I could live my life like this, just drifting aimlessly. The peace and serenity are a nice change of pace from the wild and dark thoughts that accompany the depression.

I'm hoping my wife is having a better day and is calmer when I get home. I don't want my peace and harmony destroyed by another night like last night. Not that she doesn't deserve to have a night of anger, God knows she does... she's put up with mine often enough. Just that the peace feels so good and I don't want to lose it.

Whatever it is that my grandson has caught, it seems to be going around. My oldest granddaughter, by my other daughter, has come down with the same bug. I hope my wife, who spent all day yesterday taking care of my grandson, doesn't come down with it and bring it into our home. I don't feature another stomach virus like the one I had last year.

I'm still stuck on the sword of Damacles I've got hanging over my head. 2 months from today I'll be out of work for the first time since I was 13. Not really sure how I'm going to handle that. I expect I'll go depressed but hopefully it won't be too bad. I'll have to find some things to do to keep myself busy. I don't know what happened to my charcoals and drawing supplies so I won't be able to start sketching again but I do have that model I started last year to finish. Right about now I can't even picture having the energy to do it but I imagine if I can just manage to get myself started I'll be all right.

Free Bird's on the radio. Always loved that song. It conjures up images of the open road, of going until the sun sets then finding a place to stay. I've always wanted to be a free bird but now even more. To roll the throttle back to the stops and zoom off to God only knows where, the next town, the next stop on the road. There to stop for a while or to move on as the whim strikes me. No goal in mind, no particular destination, just some vague idea of where I'm headed. If Harry hadn't have gone to jail when we were 18 I might have burned that itch out of me already. We were supposed to take our 10 speeds across country. How different my life would have been. I'd probably never have been hired at the refinery, gotten married, had kids, bought a home, lost that home. Wonder what I'd have ended up doing for a living? Probably construction, I'd probably have become a carpenter. Of course I wouldn't have my grandkids either and I would regret that but then I'd never have known them so I wouldn't miss them. I don't know if all that's good or bad. Perhaps I'd never have come down with BP but I know this... if I had and if I'd been alone I wouldn't be alive today. Maybe that would be a good thing too. I'm such a blot on the face of this earth. I don't deserve to be alive. At least all of this would be over.

Free Bird's over now and it's left me feeling even more melancholy then I was. It actually almost brought tears to my eyes. I seem to do that a lot anymore. Hear some song I really like on the radio and the waterworks want to get started. Sometimes they even come with sobs. Makes it hard to sing along with tunes that I like. I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I were dead. I really, honestly do and that's not coming from any insanity. I'm as sane right now as I'll ever get and still I wish to hell I was dead. I'm just tired of life, tired of all the bullschitte. When will it ever end? I lead a worthless life anyway. Why can't it just end?

Damn. Now I've done it. Now I've got tears welling up in my eyes, a hitch trying to work it's way into my chest, a sob struggling to escape my lips. I really am a puzzy. Wish I could man up and stop these frigging tears once and for all.

Well world this has grown too long. If you've made it this far then thank you for putting up with my bullschitte. I'm not going to tell you to be good, stay strong or keep on smiling. What's the point anyway? But I will tell you to keep on living. Life won't always be this bad.

 

You are The High Priestess

Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.

The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularly when it comes to your moods.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Arrggh! I'm a freakin woman? They got the mood fluxuations right but a woman?

Thanks to Moonloore

I want to write something profound
I want to touch hearts and minds
To bring tears to eyes
And smiles to faces
I want to stir thoughts
Fire up the mind
Something to be remembered
And cherished
And loved

I want to change the world
With my words I want to move hearts
Bring peace to war ravaged countries
Love to the stone cold heart
Awe to the bored and lonely mind
I want to be a force
For good among all mankind
To bring mankind to soar among the stars

But alas I am mired in the mud
I can't break free from the earth
The darkness of the pit surrounds me
It's walls enclose me
I am buried alive
And living I am dead
My heart beats
My blood circulates
I breathe
Yet I am dead

The coldness of the grave
It envelopes my soul
I aspire to greatness
And I fail once again
The stars elude me
For I am lost in the pit
Death surrounds me
Calls to me like a long lost lover
I can't break the chains
That shackle my hands and feet

A desolate wasteland is my home
I wanted to bring light and life
Instead I bring darkness and death
I want the sunlight, the glory of life
Yet the pit has swallowed me whole
I want to be remembered for grand ideas
But still death and disease are my domain
How can I bring love to the world
When this barren landscape surrounds me?

My wife's birthday party went off almost with out a hitch. Th surprise was total. We were ostensibly going to the hall to check it out for my granddaughters First Holy Communion. All the way there Alice did nothing but complain. Who goes to check out a hall at 7 PM on a Saturday? The hall should be occupied. She was tired and wanted to go to bed. Her body hurt from too much dancing Friday night.

When we pulled up to the hall the parking lot was almost full and I think she began to suspect something then. She paused and began to look at all the cars but I hustled her onward, telling her let's go. The sooner we got this over with the sooner she could go home and go to bed. When we walked through the door and everyone yelled surprise she tried to back out but I pushed her ahead. The shock on her face was worth a fortune. She was completely taken aback and didn't know what to do. I've rarely seen her at a loss for words but she was then.

We had a bunch of doodads for her to get dressed up in. A boa, party hat, big funny glasses, a magic wand, and more. That was the first order of the day. Then she was in her glory, going from table to table, seeing all her friends and family, her grandkids and all. Turnout was good. There must have been 150 people there. We were expecting 200 but apparently some people didn't come. Still, the hall was pretty full.

There was plenty of food for everyone, beer and soda on tap, mixers for those who brought their own bottle. The music was a good dancing beat and almost everyone took advantage of it. Alice danced most of the night away.

There was only one burp in the evening. Our niece started trouble with Alice's brother. She's bipolar like me but she's bipolar type I meaning she's mostly manic. With that mania comes a lot of psychosis. She blames George for all kinds of things surrounding her father's death and funeral. She was drinking heavily and I later heard she was in the bathroom snorting drugs, cocaine or meth I don't know which. I talked to her at her table and all she kept saying was how she hated George and wanted to kick his azz. I thought I had elicited a promise from her not to start any trouble but she did so anyway. I no sooner left her table then she went up to him and tried to pick a fight. I'm not sure all what transpired but I know George and his wife left and the cops were called. The cops were cool and took Heather outside but they didn't arrest her. They just made sure she left the party with someone to drive her home. We should have known better then to invite her. She runs with Pagans and is always trouble. It's usually really hard to get my wife's family together for anything without a fight ensuing but they were all getting along fine until Heather started her schitte. I am really mad at her. She promised me she wouldn't start anything but took her first opportunity to do so. We usually get along really well. She tells me I'm the only one she can relate to since we share the BP but she betrayed my trust and for that I cannot forgive her.

Anyway the party went on without her. It's just a shame that George and his wife left. The birthday cake was funny. It was a huge cake and we put 50 candles on it. When we lit all of the candles it looked like the place was going to burn down. It took Alice 3 tries to blow them all out even with all her hot air.

So all in all it was an excellent party and everyone had a really good time. I had a couple of people tell me they love coming to our parties since they always have such a blast. It felt good to hear that.

Oh... one more thing. Apparently Alice works with the mother of one of the kids I used to have in CCD. I had him in 4th grade, he's now 19 years old. Boy doesn't that make me feel old. The mom introduced herself to me and told me how much her son loved having me as a teacher. She told me she never had trouble getting him to go to CCD the year that I had him and that all he did was talk about me and everything he'd learned. She said I really made a difference in his life and that was so good to hear. It's not the first time I've had a parent tell me that but it always gives me a nice warm and fuzzy. It makes all the work and effort worthwhile.

Well she's winning. Nibbles, as my wife has named our new kitten for her habit of nibbling on anything and everything, is winning. She's winning my heart. Me, the ultimate dog lover, being conquered by a mere kitten. She has taken a special liking to me. She is constantly curling up on my chest, my shoulder, my arm, anyplace she can. There to lay and purr herself to sleep. Inch by agonizing inch she has wormed her way into my heart. Her soft little meows, her contented purrs, her nibbling on my fingertips. She attacks my socks when I'm trying to put then on my feet, leaps upon my pant leg as I'm trying to pull my pants on, stalks my bare feet when I get up in the morning. I watch her as she hunts the dog's tail, leaps on his back, attacks his nose as he sniffs at her. Lucifer, a black lab/rottwieler mix, is no small dog yet this tiny little kitten, almost 7 weeks old, shows no fear of him whatsoever. More then I can say for most first time visitors to my home. She has the heart of a lion.

I never thought it would happen. I did not think my heart capable of being captured by a cat. I've never been a cat person. But this tiny little kitty is managing to the impossible. She's wrapping me around those razor blade claws of hers. I am putty in her paws. She sleeps with us at night, usually curling in a ball on my pillow next to my head, purring to beat the band. Such contentment and inner peace. She shares these and more with me. She shares her heart, unquestioningly, unreservedly.

I did not want this cat. I did not, still do not, want a cat. But the kitty? Ahhh the kitty is a different story. She's no longer a cat in the making. Now she's family and as such I will never regret her.

I've been lost in the past for 2 days now. Bittersweet memories, screw ups, mistakes, flat out stupid schitte. All the detritus of a wasted life.

I've made up my mind that today I will leave the past where it belongs, in the past. I can't change that past. All I can do is be sure to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them. Change the future for the past is set in stone. Sure I was a fool, a heartless scumbag, but I will not be so in the future. I have learned and, having learned, I am a better person for it. I made my fair share of mistakes but I will not repeat them. I will no longer regret them for they are a part of what is me. They played their role in making me who I am as much as the good that I've done and I think that, all things told, I'm really not such a bad person to be. I may sometimes feel like I'm the biggest schitte that ever walked this earth but truth be told I don't think I'm all that bad. My heart is in the right place, now it's my task to make sure my head stays there too. I start that today by putting the past behind me and looking to the present, and the future such as it may be. I will not waste them wallowing in the self pity of the past.

Today is the day we pull off the surprise of the century. We've never before been able to fool my wife but today we've done it. We are giving her a 50th birthday party, in a hall with a DJ and all. We're expecting 200 people to show up. Her birthday was Jan 19th and she has bemoaned the fact that she didn't even get a birthday cake ever since. She is convinced we let her birthday pass without a second thought. She hasn't one single clue that we have this party planned. We've pulled it off and her surprise is going to be total. I can't wait to see her face. I say we but by far the credit for this surprise goes to my daughters. They've pulled off a miracle.

We're living in history making times. First the popular uprising in Egypt overthrows the president, then more uprisings in Libya, Morocco and other countries. The Libyan uprising above all others is history making. A popular uprising overthrowing a dictator. It's happening and it's happening now, in our time. We are seeing the world being rewritten. This may impact oil prices, in fact almost certainly will, but that's a small price to pay to see those people get their freedom. What comes next may be world shaking. Will they go democratic? Will they become a Muslim cleric state? Will it be a new dictatorship? Will the country shatter into small tribal states? Answers to such questions could reshape the middle east as we know it and as we know... the middle east controls the bulk of the world's oil supplies. The results of these uprisings may well have world shattering implications. I pray for all those people putting their lives on the line for freedom.

I'm still dabbling in depression today. It's not as acute as it has been for the past 2 days but the tears are still there. My mind still tries to lose itself in the past. It tries to pull me down into a black bottomless pit but I will not let. Despair and despite be damned. I will not let them ruin my life. I will shake this off today if it's the last thing I do. It will no longer own me for I am master of myself. In the end isn't really all we are ever truly master of? I am trying to exert a grip of steel on my mind, my heart and my soul and drag them all up and out of the pit. It will no longer be my home. I will live in the light. Most of all I will live. I will banish this goddamn depression from me. It will not have me, not any longer.

Strong words from someone as weak willed as I but I mean them. I will live. I'm tired of the pit and self pity has gotten me no where. Now it's time to exert my will and best this beast. I want to say once and for all but I know he'll be back, stronger then ever, the next time I cycle. All I can do is take it one day at a time and that day is today. Today I will live.

That's all folks. Have a wonderful Saturday. Be good, stay strong and keep smiling. Spring is just over 3 weeks away.

I was hoping for a change yesterday, last night or this morning. My hopes have been dashed upon the hard rocks of depression. It's still here. I'm still way down there, down in the pit. Despair is still high, self hatred is running rampant. I wish I wasn't in work so I could smash my face until it bleeds. I hate myself, I despise myself. I'm a worthless piece of schitte. I have f**ked up everything I ever tried to do in my life. Every dream I ever had was lost to bitter reality.

Tears are running rampant. I keep having to choke them back for fear that someone will see them and ask me what's wrong. What's wrong? Are you kidding me? Everything's wrong, nothing's wrong, the world is wrong, I am wrong. I don't know what's wrong. I don't know what's right. Nothing is right, everything's wrong.

Energy levels have been out the bottom all day long. I've barely been able to keep my eyes open. It didn't help that it was an exceedingly slow day. I haven't done one thing work related all day. The only work I have lined up is all waiting for approvals or for a helpdesk ticket so I've had nothing to do all day. Talk about a long day! This single day has lasted 2 weeks, I swear it has. I remember not too long agon when there weren't enough hours in the day to get done all that needed doing. Now it's like they don't even need me. And truth is they don't. That's why they're outsourcing me.

Lonely. I'm so frigging lonely. Everywhere I go I see people standing and talking, or walking and talking, or sitting and talking. I haven't spoken to a single solitary soul all day long. Not even on the phone. No one's even said hi. I haven't even had one email today.

I think I'm losing my mind. The f**king tears press again. The lump in my throat has grown to the size of a golf ball. Sobs shake my shoulders. Why? I don't KNOW why!

I'm lost. I don't know where I am or what I'm doing. I don't know where I'll find a job. I don't know what I did wrong. Where did I go wrong? So much I've f**cked up in my life. Have I never done anything right? I try to remember, to recall one stinking thing I've done right and I can't come up with anything.

We're supposed to go out to Adelphia's after work for happy hour with my wife's friends and I just do not want to go. How can I be among those people? They mean nothing to me and I mean nothing to them. Once again I'll have no one to talk to. I'll end up in a corner holding the wall up. In a corner's where I belong. I do not fit in among human society. Even the promise of alcohol doesn't change the fact that I don't want to go. I'll be watching people hold conversations, laughing, making jokes, talking to my wife. But I'll be alone. I'm always alone. How can that be when I'm married? Well I spend my time at home locked away in the computer room while my wife is out in the living room. My fault, I know, but it is what it is and it's too late to change it. If I try to sit with her she asks me what's wrong as there obviously must be something wrong to get me out of my cave. In work I am forever alone. I never see anyone or speak to anyone except via email. When we go out I'm always the one who ends up alone in a corner somewhere. I never fit in. I have no friends left so it's not like we ever go out with MY friends. Always hers. I ache. I wish I still had friends, or one friend at least, just one. All of my friends are typed words on a computer screen. I need... I dunno. I need someone to turn to, someone to talk to, someone to joke and laugh with. I need someone with whom I can be myself, someone to party with, to go out with, to work on projects with. I need a frigging miracle.

Well this is too long and is starting to degenerate into insanity. I'll knock if off now while I still can. Have a great weekend world. Be good, stay stong and keep smiling. Come on, there MUST be a reason to smile somewhere!

Not feeling too badly this morning. Depression is still there but it's under control. Yeah. It's under control like the runaway train in Pelham 123. Still, it's not too bad.

I had a very bad night last night. I was torn by memories, what if's, if only's. I hate when that happens. It's like my mind turns against itself and dredges up all these painful incidents from my past. Like the pain of the depression isn't enough and I need more.

Still the kitty seemed to sense I was in need and gave me extra special attention. Despite my reluctance to grow close to a cat she seems to be worming her way into my heart. I guess innocent little babies have a way of doing that. I think she was taken away from her mother too soon. I mean she's 6 weeks old but she's been trying to nurse on my wife and last night she was trying to nurse on my neck. Poor kitty, I think she misses her mom.

I slept like schitte last night. Was up at all hours with great difficulty falling back to sleep. Just couldn't get past my unquiet mind.

It occurs to me that I may sometimes underplay just how devestating depression is. How it sucks all the light out of life. How it fills you with despair and hopelessness. How it makes everything seem so pointless. It isolates you just when you're most in need of others. It makes you feel no one cares, no one understands, no one really loves you. You know intellectually that you are loved but your heart and soul just don't feel it. It turns everything in your life bad and makes it virtually impossible to face anything. Even the tiniest bumps in the road become unscalable mountains that serve to block you in, isolate you even more. The loneliness becomes unbearable and as much as you need others you just cannot force yourself to turn to them. As much as you need an outlet for all the pain and darkness you just cannot find one. Depression is a dark and evil beast. It turns all that is good in your life into weapons to be used against you. It colors your whole entire life in shades of gray, sucking all of the light and color out of the world.

Sorry, I had to say that. I feel like sometimes it sounds like I'm minimizing just how terrible this beast is. Anyone of you who has ever suffered depression (more then I suspect I'll bet) can attest to that.

Well I'm surviving today. I think I went slightly suicidal last night. I was just having a very hard time dealing with this again. I really hate when it crashes in upon me like that. Yesterday was a down day to start with but last night? Last night was almost a killer. Today I've been bouncing a little between a very deep depression and approaching normalcy. When I cycle like this it usually heralds a change. I'm hoping this will be a change for the better.

Have a great day world. Be good, stay strong and keep smiling. Things really do get better, eventually.

This kitty cat is amazing. I swear she's psychic. I'm having a worse night tonight then I have since we got her. And tonight of all nights she won't leave me alone. I keep carrying her out to the living room and giving her to my wife. Within 5 or 10 minutes she's back. She climbs up my pant leg, under the keyboard tray and straight up onto my chest where she curls up with her head under my chin and goes to sleep. I can feel her purring in my throat. It lends me a sense of peace. This is the 3rd or 4th time we've gone through this cycle. I'm thinking she senses I'm in need and she's there for me. She has barely even come to me before this. Ahhh... well what can I say? How can the world be so bad when you have such a lovable kitty to curl up with?

Well after a day filled with anger, even rage, yesterday today I'm wallowing in depression. Yeah that's right. My old nemesis is back. So what else is new, right?

Nothing, abso-f**king-lutely nothing is new. Same old schitte. Same old schitte. SAME OLD SCHITTE!

I can't f**king do this anymore. God help me, please. I just cannot do this again. Not again. No more. Please God, please, no more. I beg You please, please take this away from me. Please! Please, please, please! I can't do this, I just cannot do this.

I think I'm running mixed state. Energy mixed with depression. Spontaneity mixed with despair. As I've said before this is the dangerous one. This is when I'm most likely to harm myself. I've already been beating my head on the desk. I feel compelled to cut, slash, burn. Hurt. I feel driven to create pain. Physical pain will dull the pain inside. It will straighten my head out. It will fill the emptiness that's inside me. It will prove to myself that I'm alive instead of the dead lump of flesh I feel like.

Suicidal ideations are back. I think to myself that anything it takes to stop this, even death, is worth it. Then I throw that thought aside and tell myself I'm a fool, nothing's worth death. This too will pass. Yeah it will won't it? But then it'll be back again, and again, and again, ad infinitum. It will never, ever, ever end. It will always come back. I'll never get over it completely. Hell, I live in hell. And there's no escape. There's no hope of escape. Without hope what have you? Nothing! There's no reason to live. Life becomes just one big ball of never ending pain. Even if it does end for a day, maybe 2, still it comes back.

I've hit bottom. I am completely without hope. The only hope I have is fleeting at best. I have hope for an all too brief respite before the next attack. The beast has won. He's beaten me into the ground. I can't stand on my own two feet anymore. He's won. I cannot do this again. I really can't. I won't. I will not do this again. I'd rather die first.

No. I will not die first. I should be so lucky. I will get past this. I know that. I know it I said. It will pass. It WILL pass. God grant me the strength to make it until then. Luck never was my strong point. Truth be told if I had a viable way out of this, even if involved my death, I'd take it in a heart beat. But I have none so I'm stuck here holding on by my fingertips. I'm hanging. Barely, but I'm hanging.

I want to write but I'm plumb out of things to write about. I started a poem and it just wasn't clicking. I tried a short story only to hit a blank wall with the story line. I mean I don't have writer's block. I could always write about my life but that's so boring. I could do a discourse on all the political unrest in the world lately but I don't particularly care. Besides it's been done. Once is enough. I've w1ritten about friends, about love. You know what I haven't ever written about? Hatred. But do I really want to tackle such a distasteful subject? I guess I'm not left with much choice. If anyone out there has a better topic I dare you to fire it at me. For now here goes.

All right, that didn't work. It got all dark and disjointed. I really don't handle negative too well. Guess I've got too much of it inside me. Me and my f**king depressions. They haunt my life. That's all right, I will not let them ruin an otherwise good day.

Still that leaves me with nothing to write about. How many words can I waste saying I've run into a brick wall? Apparently more then you'd guess.

OK. So if love is off limits, hope is done, friends is used up and negative is out of the picture what else do I have?

I could talk about my kids. We have 3 of them, a girl, a boy and a girl. The first 2 were planned, the third was purely an accident. All 3 of them are very intelligent. I think it's a toss up between the girls for who's the brightest. My 2nd daughter was the only one to finish school as a kid. She graduated with A's from one of the toughest high schools in the area. My oldest got her diploma from an adult high school after dropping out when she turned 18. My son dropped out too but he went back and got his GED so all 3 of them have some sort of diploma. It's really hard for me to say which one I'm the proudest of so I won't. My 2 girls are out living on their own. They both have 2 kids, one boy and one girl. They struggle to make ends meet and succeed in doing so. My son is still living home at age 27 and doesn't show any signs of ever being able to move out on his own. See, he has a $270K judgment against him for demolishing a kid's face when he was 18. He can't work over the table because they take his entire paycheck to pay the judgment. He's learned his lesson and it's been years since he was in a fight but it's too little too late. Even so I am very proud of him. There is absolutely nothing that needs doing with the hands that he can't do and do well and right. So that's my 3 kids. Boring huh?

All right that said what's next? How about my wife? I first met her when I was 15 and was dating her cousins. I thought she was too good for me and never asked her out. Then, when I was 16, at a New Years eve skate-a-thon at the local rink I had my eye on a certain girl and my wife was supposed to set me up with her. The girls was supposed to set my wife up with another guy but she ended up making out with him. In retaliation my wife asked me out and that was all she wrote. 2 years later we were mar3ried. I was 18 almost 19 and my wife was 17. We've had some very bumpy roads since then, most if not all of which were my fault. Me and my damned insanity. And it didn't help that I was a beeraholic from when I was 15. Too much alcohol adds craters to a bumpy road. But she stuck by through all kinds of hell. I didn't really come to appreciate her until 2 years ago. I guess you could say that's when I grew up. I had tried to off myself, dam near succeeded, and she was there for me when I finally came to in the hospital 2 days later. It was then that I began to appreciate her value in my life. It still took months, and me almost leaving her for another, before I finally came completely round to the concept that I loved her with all my soul. I regret all the hell I've put her through and would do anything to take it all back and do it all again with the knowledge I have now. If saints truly walk this earth then she is surely one of them. Words fail me, I just cannot speak highly enough of her or how much I love her. Without her I'd have long since been dead.

So that's my immediate family. As a family group we've all been through the fires of hell, most of them my doing, but we've stuck together. Love grows in spite of the adversity. I think the bonds that tie us are all the stronger as a result of the hell I've put everyone through. I'm tempted to say I'd have it no other way but truth be told all the pain I've caused everyone is a blight on my soul and I would give anything for the chance to reverse it. All I can do is make sure the future is much smoother and with my BP that is sometimes a very had thing to do.

OK enough is enough. Seems I've had an awful lot to say for someone who had no idea what to talk about. Have a great day world. Be good, stay strong and keep smiling. Spring's only 4 weeks away.