noahbody123's Blog


I am so lost and alone. So... disheartened, saddened and filled with despair.

All is dark and growing darker. Might be this is the final time... the one where I get lost in the dungeons beneath the hellfire forever.

Functiom... yeah, keep functioning and few will even guess at the brokeness inside. Amazing how easy it is to fool the wordl even when it feels as it the ugly, evil dark is plastered right across my face. I suspect that people see what they want to see and no one wants to see that, so no one does.

No more suicidality or insane thoughts. Merely as strong desire to just lay down and let it all pass away, once and for all.

So everlasting tired. Deeped than bone deep. Even deeper than soul deep.

There is nothing left.... nothing.

You Cannot Cry

 You Cannot Cry

November 10, 2010 by Bandred

There is no need for tears to roll down your cheeks.  There is no need for those tears to well up into your eyes and then flood your eyes producing puddles of tears.  You cannot cry.  I don't want you to cry.

I am left doing nothing but breathing through each day and just hoping to get through each second with the pain, torture and suffering on my shoulders and on my chest weighing me down.

If I escape this world before Christmas no tears are allowed from those who remain here on earth for it is not with sadness that I leave but with happiness hoping to find a better place.  If that doesn't exsist than I am in BIG trouble!!

I do not deserve tears.  I do not deserve anyone to shed a single tear.  I do not wish to hurt anyone and want people to know that I leave with the hope of finding peace and finding a way away from this pain.  I deserve not one single tear from anyone and no tears should be shed.

Please remember - NO TEARS!

These were some of the words she said. At the time I thought I understood but I really didn't get it. I argued and cajoled and debated and explained and mostly loved her. I tried everything in my arsenal. I did buy her one month.

Now, looking back, I begin to question whether or not that was the right thing to do. How could I ask her, beg her to live when life was such hell for her? I mean... if I loved her how could I ask her to suffer more?

It was a selfish act. A selfish viewpoint. I just couldn't face losing her.

Now... now I understand. I do. And as much as it kills me to say it.... she was right. There comes a time when it's just not worth it anymore. No one can fault you for that or for your actions that follow. No one can judge you until they've walked far more than a mile in your shoes.

I do understand now. Bone marrow deep... I do understand.

My Fathers day card from my son....

Included this note:

To the Best Father a person could ask for,

    I know growing up we had our differences and our fights, but I am so lucky and thankful to have you as my dad. You are a great man and an even better father. I love you with all my heart. I try to live my life the way you would want and taught me to. I want to be there for Madelyna the way you were there for me. You may not have always been there physically but you were there for to support me and were always there when I needed you. You worked your ass off to give me anything I wanted or needed. When I was sick or hurt you were always there to comfort me. There is not a thing in this world you wouldn't have done to make me happy. Because of this I owe you my life. I can only pray that I can be half the father you were to me. You set the bar so high from being so great but you taught me very well so I know I will succeed. I love you more than words can explain daddy. I hope you have the BEST FATHERS DAY!

                        Love Always and Forever

                        Your son

Tears... of happiness and shame.

My grandson

October 17, 2008byTony51203

I mentioned my grandson in my last post so I thought I'd tell you all a little bit about him.

He's the one I had a battle royale with the Catholic Curch over getting him baptised because he's named after his father, Ismail. In fact the baptism probably never would have happened had I not made it plain I'd go over the Bishop's head all the way to the Pope or even the press if necessary.

I call him busy Izzy 'cause he's always so full of energy and pep, always so busy exploring his world. He's an absolute joy to just sit back and watch.

He's gonna be 2 in January and he's so tiny that his 10 month old sister is almost as tall as him and weighs just as much.

They've been staying with us for the last month and a half because they're in between apartments. They should be moving into a new apartment next month.

Since they've been with us Izzy is beginning to get real attached to Pop Pop (that's me). He calls me all the time, wants to follow me every where, tries to do what I do. He's always teasing me, implying he's got a hug for me then refusing to give it up and laughing when he does. He's not allowed up the stairs on his own (though he's fully capable of doing it) so he'll stand down the bottom and call "Pop Pop, Pop Pop" then he'll either run or show me the new object of attention he's found when I come down.

I wasn't happy about my daughter and family moving back with us even for a couple of months. 2 family's in one home makes for much commotion and quite a mess. But it has become an opportunity for me to bond with my granchildren, one I would not have had otherwise.

I think God gives me these opportunities when I most need them. At each of the 3 worst periods in my life I was given a grandchild and a special chance to bond with them. When things were darkest for me God gave me a light, a very special love and bond, that gave me the strength to pull through.

When I'm down I'm always tempted to question why I'm being tested, why would I be given such trials then given an anchor like that to hold me here. But when I'm normal or I'm up I'm always grateful that at the most trying and darkest times God saw fit to give me a little external help to bring the light back into my life.

In truth my grandchildren, each of the 4 of them, have been the best thing to ever happen to me. So far I've got a special bond with 3 of them and look forward to developing that bond with the youngest as she grows.

1-4 of 4 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Nothing, posted March 20th, 2014, 2 comments
You Cannot Cry, posted October 4th, 2013
My Fathers day card from my son...., posted June 19th, 2013
My grandson, posted January 20th, 2013

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